Fake Celebrities and Onam

It was just past noon. I had just finished a scene for College Kumaran and was in my trailer, ready to break open a bottle of Chivas I had managed to smuggle onto the set. Apparently, my fans had complained that I tended to look hammered in many of my recent films. Give me a break, I have just been staying in character. Anyway, to appease them somewhat I had taken a vow not to indulge in one of the last pleasures that I have left in my life, but a man has his limits right? If sportsmen can inject themselves with steroids, actors can have the occasional drink(-ing binge) to keep them sane. To get back to my original point, I was in my trailer when I got a call from this chap in Singapore who ‘blogs’. He cut to the usual stuff – how he’s my biggest fan, how he’s seen all my movies, how he can’t wait for Sholay – savaarigirigiri. What came immediately after, took me completely by surprise.

He wanted me to write a guest column on his blog, it being Onam and all. Me – who can’t get through a decent sentence in a television interview; who waxes eloquent about the futility of my life; who used to think the Internet was a fishing apparatus; to write a guest column on a blog! I don’t know whether it was the Chivas, or his constant re-assurances that I needn’t write the entire thing in English (he would translate it for me); but I agreed to do it. I mean if Mammootty can pretentiously carry around an Orange Apple, I can write a guest blog column.

I always thought of these Onam celebrations to be a little silly. Yes, it is a chance to be with your family, yes, it is a chance to eat good food, yes, you get to see pretty ladies dancing, yes you get to see a movie of mine on Asianet – I mean it usually is an absolute riot. But I always wonder, why do you need one day of the year to do all this? For me, every day in life is such a celebration. Come to think of it, the alcohol might have something to do with it, but that is besides the point.

But then again, it is entirely subjective. My life is different from that of the average Malayali. The average Malayali has say, a set of worries – he needs to buy his wife and kids gifts, he has to eke out a trip to his village to meet his aging parents and he has to work overtime in order to steal that Onam bonus from right under the eyes of his colleague. Thankfully I have no such problems, but rather a completely disjoint set of other issues – giving interviews, smiling away at the cameras until my cheek muscles hurt and being there at least a few days a year with my wife and kids.

So while for the average Malayali, Onam is a culmination of all the hard work he has put in for the rest of the year, for me it is usually a time to get away from it all (including the rumors linking me up with various actresses – for God’s sake they are not true). For me Onam is a holiday – a holiday from the celebration of my life which goes on for the remainder of the year.

So for the rest of you Keralites – here’s wishing you a Happy Onam, and many more great ones to come!




9 Responses to “Fake Celebrities and Onam”

  1. Sreenivasan Says:

    Trust that fellow Mohanlal to give it all away! I mean, we all know that he is a guy with tacky tastes, but Chivas Regal! Couldn’t he have asked me what are the better brands? Maybe he wrote this whole column for that guy in Singapore while under the influence. Pity that writing under the influence is not a criminal offence. Could have put him away for a month, though there’s the risk of course that it will all be extra publicity for him, something like Paris Hilton. And then, like Sagar Kottapuram in that movie that I scripted for him, he may well come out with fresh inspiration..

  2. arun Says:

    I spoke to Lal a few hours back…conveying to him that his good buddy responded to his guest post. He was of the opinion that Sreenivasan still begrudges him for being so successful even though he is only slightly better looking than Sreenivasan.

  3. Mammooty Says:

    Fancy that! He sneaks off and tucks into Chivas. Considering that he never offered me anything other than patta chaarayam the last time we met. So I guess thats how he gets inspired to do all those meesa twirling roles. Like everybody knows that I have the copyright to the meesa twirl and he is a mere pretender. Next time I’ll have somebody raid his trailer and steal that bottle of Chivas! And the way he treats that poor Sreeni, who is so much better looking! Always addressing him in those belittling terms like “constable” and so on, despite Sreeni always writing his best lines for him! Time we settled this guy’s hash…

  4. Prithviraj Says:

    Too bad Malayalis don’t give too much importance to looks. If so, we know who would be on top. All you guys do is drink Chivas and patta chaarayam, and look wasted in all your movies! I’m working my ass off here and I barely get one good movie a year. There is this saying…”Every dog has his day!”… Just remember that!

    And, Happy Onam to all my fans!

  5. Suresh Gopi Says:

    I own the copyright on that line, Prithvi!

  6. Manju Warrier Says:

    sho! How come nobody is talking about my husband here?*hurt* he has given more super-duper hits than any of the newbies(and oldbies when they were newbies centuries ago) and is here to stay without having to twirl his mustache or having to say “sheeht” or showing off muscles or dancing like a duck or by making fun of himself(phew the list is endless!). Anyways, since I know all of you in a special way*wink**swaying long tresses* I expect all of you to consider him of equal stature(not that he has much of it anyways!)

  7. Jayaram Says:

    Hmmm .. always knew there was something suspicious going on here. First that guy Mohanlal pleads that there is no truth in those rumours linking him to various actresses, and then we have this wink-wink, nudge-nudge posting by the wife of he who believes he is of “equal stature” as him and all the rest of that riff-raff crowd. Don’t know who this guy is. Anyway, I don’t know what all this fuss is about. There have been several who have thought that they can do the meesa-pirikkal role and the slapstick role and the tragedian role — but all of them fade away in comparison to my sheer versatility. Why, anybody who saw me romancing dear old Sheela in that film would know how all these acts can only be performed convincingly by one actor in Kerala… So please my friends, stop this vying for attention and just let us recognise who the true King of the World is.

  8. Ram Gopal Varma Says:

    Really sorry, folks for all the damage I’ve done to your dreams and expectations. But we have to face facts, right? So here they are:

    RGV’s Aag goes up in smoke, takes Rs 16 cr hit
    4 Sep, 2007, 0140 hrs IST,Sonali Krishna, TNN

    MUMBAI: It is being called the biggest disaster of 2007. The much-touted Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag took a major hit at the box office with collections as low as 10-15%. The film is expected to take a huge toll on distributors, who told ET the losses would be worth Rs 16 crore. The movie has flopped across all territories in India. The only relief is Uttar Pradesh, where the film has performed marginally better with occupancy levels of 20-25%.

    “The movie has proved to be a very big loss for us. We had bet on the movie, on the back of RGV’s brand name and the kind of publicity the movie had garnered in recent times. This will definitely affect Ramu’s credibility as we will think twice before we agree to buy his movies again,” said a frustrated distributor.

    For Adlabs Films, the co-producers of the movie as well as the overseas distributors, the impact has not been so big as they pre-sold the movie to distributors in the domestic market. However, Adlabs will lose Rs 5-7 crore in the overseas market, said an Adlabs source, who said the overseas collections have been dismal as well.

    “Since we pre-sold the movie, Adlabs will not suffer a loss,” said Adlabs Films CMD Manmohan Shetty. The company sold the domestic distribution rights to Bharat Bhai Shah, one of the country’s biggest distributors, for Rs 15 crore, which excluded the southern territory. The southern territory was sold for Rs 2.5 crore.

    “Distributors will lose about 70% of their investment. This is one of the biggest disasters of recent times, and collections of the film have been the lowest this year,” said trade analyst Komal Nahta.

    “It is a debacle… The other reason for the failure of the movie is the publicity campaign, which was not in tune with modern times, but looked like posters and promos of a Bhojpuri or a regional film,” film expert Taran Adarsh said.

  9. arun Says:

    Guys guys! A little competition didn’t hurt anybody, the more actors there are – the better the movie industry becomes.

    You guys should thank your stars that you have rivals – monopolies only lead to mediocrity!

    Peace out…

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